I don’t drink on Mondays. Sometimes I’d like to, but I’ve decided that for at least one day during the week, I need to rest my liver from the dinner-time wine I drink each of the other six days. (Note: when on vacation, non-drinking Mondays do not apply.)
I’m not an alcoholic. At least I don’t think I am. But I’m trying to figure out when fun drinking becomes serious drinking—like it did for my mother.
When I was growing up, my French-born mother sipped wine freely and daily. I can picture her in the kitchen, stirring a bubbly cassoulet in a dark blue enamel pot, preparing a plate of cheeses, churning the pepper mill—with a glass in hand or waiting close by. An habitual part of her cooking process, wine was also served at every evening meal. Long, narrow, green-tinted bottles with strangely spelled words were as much of a staple in our fridge as a container of milk.
Drinking was part of her culture, and a seemingly harmless one. But later in her life, my mother started using wine as a way to escape, numbing herself from demons past and transitions present. My biggest fear is that I may, one day, do the same.
I mean, I do indulge in those regular glasses of vino. And in minutes, they seem to calm me, relax me, dull me from the stresses of my daily life as a freelance writer struggling in an economic crisis, a mother of three—two of whom are hormonal adolescents—and the daughter of a depressed, recently widowed Holocaust survivor.
I try to focus on the good things in my life—my loving husband who has a stable income, so far, and my three healthy, beautiful kids. But still, I like to drink.
Of course, there were times in my life that I didn’t drink for months, and I survived. I can count them for you–one, two, three–cause that’s how many kids I have. I didn’t drink for the first three months of each pregnancy, and then with my obstetrician’s blessing, I had the occasional half glass of wine, and it felt so good. You see, I don’t drink simply because of the wine’s soothing effects as it enters my blood stream, but also for the taste. The touches of citrus and oak in a complex chardonnay, the berry flavors and tannins that roll from my tongue and down my throat from an intense cabernet—those are flavors I savor.
I don’t think I have a drinking problem. But it’s my personality to grapple with the question, praying that I don’t ever abuse it. So in my effort to keep control, maintain my joie de vivre, be true to my European heritage, and not ever slide down that slippery slope, I’ll keep on drinking. Except on Mondays.
Caren Osten Gerszberg is a writer and the co-editor of the Drinking Diaries. To see her work, go to www.carenosten.com
So are you on that slippery slope your mother slid down? I’d say it’s all in portion control. How big is your daily glass of wine? My husband has a glass from which he quaffs Zinfandel that is the size of a fish bowl. Honestly — it can hold about a half bottle of wine.
If your daily glass is a small one, you’re not a wino. If you find yourself in the aisles of Bed Bath and Beyond fingering ever-larger vessels from which to imbimbe your daily ration — then you have a problem!
PS — Until 1974, the U.S. navy gave a daily ration of rum to all sailors.
Hi Caren,
I disagree with the post prior to mine. I don’t think portion has anything at all to do with it. I too, drink daily, and I too, can count the times in my life when I haven’t drank. Does that mean I’m an alcoholic? I think not.
In my opinion, how it influences the rest of your life is the big factor. Do you still accomplish the things you need to accomplish? Do you wake up each morning ready to face the day? Does your wine interfere with your ability to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter?
My poison of choice is beer. Weird, I suppose, but I’ve never developed an appreciation for wine. And every evening, I have a couple cold beers. Sometimes one or two, sometimes three or four, depending on what we’re having for dinner, how late I stay up, how difficult a day it’s been or various other factors. Not to say I medicate myself with alcohol when having a bad day, but it is nice to feel the stress melt away after that first bit of whatever alcoholic beverage you consume.
I don’t crave a drink in the middle of the day, I’ve never missed an appointment or one of the kids functions because of drinking. It really has no affect on the rest of my life at all other than being a pleasurable way to enjoy the end of a work day.
As to my kids, they’ve been allowed to consume a drink on occasion – special events or even just after spending three hours in the hot sun mowing the grass I’ve allowed my son to have a cold beer. But you know what? We recently went out of town for two weeks and before our trip, I put a 12 pack in the fridge of an English cider beer my daughter likes and told her to help herself. (She’ll be 19 this Saturday) When we got home two weeks later, there were still 9 beers in the fridge. Show me another teenager whose parents go out of town for two weeks and they don’t see it as an opportunity to binge and party!
I wouldn’t worry that you’ll slip down that slope in later years. Just use common sense about it. You are not your mother, and an enjoyment of a thing does not mean an addiction to it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s good to know others think about these things too and it’s cathartic to write a response!
FYI, I found your blog through She Writes and I’m looking forward to exploring it more! Thanks!
Amy
One more thing. I am addicted to cigarettes. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I smoke, it bothers me how much money I spend on them, I know they smell horribly and are wreaking havoc on my body, yet quitting is the hardest thing I’ve EVER tried to do.
Drinking? No comparison.
Amy,
Thanks for sharing your views. It’s just amazing how I’d never really worried before but in recent years it became a more loaded topic for me. I read an article recently in the NY times, however, that did address alcoholics who are high functioning, but I never considered myself in that category based on the criteria discussed in the piece.
and in reference to your children, I think it’s the people who make drinking so taboo and verboten that there children eventually turn to it…
And of course, i’m so glad you are enjoying the blog and hope you will keep visiting. For now, we are putting up new posts on mondays/thursdays, and are soon planning to add interviews on wednesdays. –caren
Hello all:
I am enjoying reading this blog because I think women’s relationship to alcohol can be very different from that of a man and that is is good to explore that.
I will qualify myself by saying I have only 18 months of sobriety and am a member of AA. After years of ignoring the alcoholism in my family and thinking I could control my drinking I was convinced otherwise by a humiliating and demoralizing incident at a family gathering. I feel fortunate that my drinking career never jeopardized my jobs or any one else’s life but I have no doubt any longer that at some point I crossed a line and began to drink alcoholically as a coping behavior.
My drinking started relatively late in life and was a way to deal with social anxiety, then it was a way to unwind after a rough day, and then it became the only way I could avoid dealing with the feelings I had about problems in my marriage. From time to time I would think about my drinking, take the AA test and say “Nahhh..I’m not that bad.. I owe it to myself to be able to relax in the evenings and on weekends”.
I remember reading about Carrie Fisher or Jamie Lee Curtis who said “Most normal drinkers don’t spend time taking the AA test or worrying about their drinking”. I remember that making me uncomfortable when I heard it.
I find it heartening that in this blog women are stopping to question their alcohol use before it interferes with their lives. I’m not sure male culture prompts men to do that. Lucky us!
I can only speak for myself but in retrospect I can see that my drinking had reached the point that I would re-phrase AA’s First Step to read;
I admitted I was powerless–that my life had become unmanageable WITHOUT ALCOHOL.
Thanks again for this blog.
Judy,
Thanks for sharing your story/history. And yes, the blog is meant to open doors to women who want to vent and express. There is no question that our culture treats the issue very differently for men, and that is why we feel this forum is needed. Good luck. Caren
If you are contemplating whether you have a problem you probably do. If you think you like it too much you probably do. There are plenty of very highly functioning, well behaved alcoholics. I think a red flag is mind share. If you are thinking about it or trying to control it by setting rules like “no Mondays” it’s most likely an issue and deep down you know it.
interesting material, where such topics do you find? I will often go
I am trying not to judge here, but it sounds to me like most of you have a drinking problem. Honestly?? Drinking alcohol EVERY day is not normal. What happens if you do not get your beer or wine? Just wondering . . . . .
Each person has to come to decide whether or not their drinking is normal or not. I drank daily for years. I was fortunate to have lived in Spain as a teenager and grew to love the whole “thing” of wine. How it was made, the vineyards, the lifestyle. So it was pretty normal for me to drink wine whenever I wanted. When we returned to the USA from Spain, I was seventeen. And obtained a fake id so that i could continue my wine drinking daily. When I got pregnant at 25, I quit for the most part. I did drink 2 or 3 glasses when out to dinner (rare) and on Christmas, New years, my birthday etc. I was obsessed with determining when i could drink normally again. What a relief to have the baby here and to get back on with my business. I have always worked, kept a clean house, prided myself on cooking and baking, involved with school activities, sports, volunteering. That glass of wine at the end of the day was such a relief! I started abandoning things here and here so the end of day could come faster. I stopped being able to enjoy dinner out unless they served wine. I joined a wine club and began “collecting.” No bottle made it until the next monthly shipment. screw that idea of “keeping” it. i read once that life is short and you should never not use the nice things in your life because one day you will be dead. made perfect sense so that included my fine wine. Thanksgiving dinners included 3 or more bottles and sometimes i was the only one drinking. All my sick days from work were due to hangovers or my wine drinking accidents. cuts in the kitchen, broken toes, sprained ankles etc.
one day, my husband called me on my drinking. i divorced him. i encouraged my kids to accept that daily drinking was normal. one day, my daughter called me on my drinking and i sent her to her dads to live. that was 8 years ago and we are just now able to communicate. one day, my 8 year old son had to go live with his dad because i feared for his safety. i was usually in a blackout. and that is only after my daily 2-3 glasses of wine. he is 11 now. one day, i lost my job. i’m still unemployed. and guess what? i was highly functioning alcoholic. I OBSESSED over whether or not I was an alcoholic. i did everything i could to justify daily drinking. for years and years.
i’m sober for 18 months. that’s still a baby in recovery.
sadly, my now 20 year old middle child drinks daily. if he has a “bad” day he allows himself a couple of drinks to soothe his weary soul. i found out that this has been going on since he was 15.
so i guess you can say that i now know that daily drinking is not normal. it’s an obsession.
i believe though, to each his own! if you feel like you don’t have a problem, be safe. And watch out for your children if you have any.
Much love,
Lynne
Hi Caren and Others,
I heard you, Caren, on my XM Jean Chatsky show, was intrigued and found the blog. I commend you for acting on this tough and sensitive issue.
I was married to an alcoholic who is still in denial. His parents were both “highly functioning, after-five alcoholics”. My ex husband thought this was “normal” and still does. I have read forty of books on alcoholism to try to understand it. I have been to Al-anon meetings. We saw an addictionist to try to get help for him (us). What I learned from many hours of research and study is that it is, sadly very, very difficult to even get a definition of “alcoholism” or an “alcoholic”(!). Some doctors are even recommending, blah, blah, blah. The defintition that I finally found is that: “An alcoholic is someone who is either psychologically or physically addicted to alcohol.” Period. End of story.
The other thing I learned is that, if you think you might have a problem, the test to find out is: “If you can quit drinking for 6 months without “much” of an issue, you probably are not an alcoholic. If you cannot, you probably are.”
I have also learned that everyday alcohol use is more dangerous for a woman’s health than a man’s, so I would urge all of my sisters to beware.
I have also learned that alcohol is a depressant. It depresses part of the brain. My ex husband said he used to drink every afternoon because he would become anxious in the afternoon. The addictionist we saw said he would probably be less anxious if he quit drinking. The alcohol will depress part of the brain and have a rebound, yin, yang affect and likely produce more anxiety during the sober periods.
I think the reason that this is all so nebulous is that alcohol is a legal drug in our country (the United States) and it is a huge industry, not just in the US, but throughout the world. It is glorified all over our media. It can hurt, or worse, ruin marriages, lives, families. It can and does kill lots of drivers per year. If abused, it is a really potentially dangerous thing. Unless there are very strict beliefs against it, alcoholism is a legacy in almost every family, somewhere in their family tree.
I also learned that, at highest risk for alcoholism in the US, is a caucasian male with an alcoholic father. This is what my ex husband is and, therefore, my son. Am I worried? You better believe it. I have had to make tough choices to educate my children about the dangers of alcohol, what is “healthy”, what is “normal” and avoid “the elephant it in the room syndrome”. Even my son said, “Alcohol is not a drug!”. Well, wake up and smell the coffee to any adult who doesn’t understand that alcohol is a drug, because so is caffeine. Another legal drug, but, luckily, not as potentially lethal.
I don’t know what the answer is for our society. I cannot say that I am a prohibitionist. As with most things, moderation is what makes sense to me. Awareness is also key. I do wish there were even more awareness of alcohol’s possible destruction. There is a big campaign with commercials now about the harm of cigarettes. It would be helpful if there were one for alcohol also. When people see their family members and friends using the drug of alcohol, they think that this is okay and normal. This detroys the awareness that this is something to be taken seriously, not lightly, as alcohol itself, and almost everything associated with it, has a tendency to tout itself to be. Alcohol is the instant party, the instant light escape from the trials of life or of the day.
Another thing that made sense to me is that if you’re drinking for a reason, you better take a good look at it.
Alcohol has caused a great deal of pain in my life and I hope I can end it’s dreadful legacy.
BR