by Rachel Sarah
Seven months after giving birth to my daughter, her father walked out the door. Now that my daughter is nine, she has asked me a bit about her dad (although not as much as I’d anticipated). I’ve said: “He was so excited to be your father, but he wasn’t ready.” That’s not the whole truth now, is it?
When I met my daughter’s father, on an airplane, one of the first things I noticed about him was the smell of alcohol on his breath. To most women, that would have been a red flag. But I had this rescue complex (some call it “co-dependency”!) and thought I could handle people, even help them, especially men. Yes, your typical wounded-bird syndrome.
I haven’t written much about alcoholism and how it has affected my life, but over three years ago, for a guest blog in the Washington Post, I wrote about having a baby with an alcoholic.
In four hundred words for a guest post, you can’t get too deep. So I tried to keep it honest and concise: A year before I had my daughter, I knew that her father was bipolar – and an alcoholic. I also knew that I was co-dependent.
Readers came out in droves to respond. One guy said I was “irresponsible” for “getting pregnant by [your] bipolar, alcoholic boyfriend…” Another reader–”Been there”–added, “Here’s some advice that will benefit all readers. Don’t have sex with bipolar alcoholics. And if you do, and you end up pregnant, put the baby up for adoption.”
They didn’t stop there, and I probably should have gotten some support. What I did instead was this: I closed up. I stopped writing about alcoholism. I haven’t written more than a few lines about being with an alcoholic. Until now.
Why? Because as the years pass – and my daughter gets older — I get concerned. You see, I grew up in a family that kept secrets. Alcoholism runs deeply on my mother’s side. We laughed at the men in her family, and got embarrassed. But we didn’t really talk about it.
And now, as I said, my daughter is starting to ask.
So, tell me: how honest and open should I be with her about her father’s alcoholism? She’s going into fourth grade now. She’s smart, spunky, and sensitive. At a recent pediatrician appointment, her doctor talked to me about the fact that depression and alcoholism run in her genes.
So, if I don’t tell the truth, will I just be keeping secrets too? I take responsibility for my own addictions. I was obsessed with curing her father, and thinking that I could save him. But I’ve grown up, and moved on.
If I don’t come clean with my child, who will?
Rachel Sarah is the author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World (Seal Press) (www.singlemomseeking.com). She’s also the founder of one of the top blogs for single parents, Single Mom Seeking (www.singlemomseeking.com/blog).
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
UNFAIR! Rachel, you should have pointed out the story in my home town rag. I’d have come to your defense.
Cause sometimes? By the time you’ve realized your partner is bipolar? You’re in love. You don’t always meet bipolar people on the down end of the pendulum, and let me tell you, the highs, the brilliant joys they experience on the way up are thrilling and wonderful.
And by that same token, by the time you realize your partner’s drinkie-poo on the plane wasn’t just settling nerves, or finishing off that bottle of wine wasn’t just high spirits, you’re probably committed to a lot more of him than just his devilish charm.
Those folks hollering at you for your ‘irresponsible’ behavior are idiots. I’d like to see their glass houses.
We love and are loved, and give generously of our best faith in man and womankind. If that’s a fault, it’s one I don’t want to relinquish.
So shake them off, lady. You’re ok. And your daughter will understand her father’s faults without taking them on as badges of failure.
Thank you so much Solo Mother! I appreciate your feedback a lot.
Dr. Leah Klungness from http://www.singlemommyhood.com just posted this feedback on my blog re: this topic.
Her advice is so helpful that I wanted to share it here, too. I’m curious if other readers agree:
“Rachel has opened up an important conversation.
There is no magic age at which kids need to “know” about addiction. Likely, kids are already familiar with the term from lessons at school about smoking and drug use.
But, since experts differ on exactly what the terms “addiction”/”addictive personality”/”addiction prone” actually mean, it’s best to stick with information that helps your kids better understand what has happened in their own lives.
What makes this conversation so difficult for many of you is that “addiction” is part of the infinitely bigger issue of why the other parent (in this case, your daughter’s father) is not a part of their lives.
Here’s where it gets tricky:
Experts debate endlessly the role of choice in addiction. Do addicts have control over their drinking and drugging or is the physiological basis of their addiction so compelling that they are powerless to resist the urge?
Secondly, the issue of whether alcoholism “runs in families” is clouded by how familiar kids who grow up in alcoholic/drug abusing families become with drinking/drugs and the accompanying lack of supervision.
Is it genetics or environment?
No one has the definitive answers to these questions.
My opinion? Addicts make choices. It’s incredibly challenging to stay clean and sober. Most “addicts” are simply not interested in doing the hard work and commitment sobriety requires.
My advice to Rachel? Make sure that Mae knows that her father’s choices in no way “doom her” to a greater susceptibility to substance abuse.
I believe kids get the wrong message when they’re told that they’re “at risk” for drug or alcohol abuse due to family history. Kids hearing that message often conclude “What the heck – might as well do it” if they come to believe that they will eventually succumb to substance abuse.
Kids are best helped by the message repeated early and often that their “other parent” has chosen not to be part of their lives because he or she was simply not able to do the important job or being a parent. Drug/alcohol abuse is simply one indication that parenting is just not in the “other parent’s” skill set.”
my dad is a bipolar recovering alcoholic. he didn’t stop drinking until about 5 years ago when i was an adult with 2 children. i knew my dad was different, but didn’t know he was an alcoholic until i was in high school. i guess my co-dependent mother helped him hide it pretty well. i would think you should tell her sooner than later, but only you know when your sweet mae is ready to hear something so huge.
Rachel, I think you are being a little tough on yourself.
While I think it is better rather than worse to be honest with kids about how alcoholism being a family disease I think it is wise to choose the time for such disclosures. And it is not necessary to give your child the entire story at one time. Let your discussions evolve as naturally as you can.
As you probably already know Al-Anon is a great way to learn how to get support to deal with these issues. If you haven’t tried it I can highly recommend it for co-dependency issues and just in general for relationship issues.
Good luck!
Thanks to you, Solo Mother, Mommy Mae, and Judy!
Bringing this all out into the open definitely helps — even if I feel vulnerable.
Judy, I did go to Al-Anon meetings years ago, soon after becoming a single mom. And I think that returning would be a great idea. For sure.
I have talked on your blog about my experience. I met my ex husband in an AA meeting, in the early 1990s and we were both fairly early in sobriety. After 13 years clean & sober, he relapsed in the winter of 2005/2006 and descended rapidly (within days /weeks) to a very low-bottom alcohol & drug problem. My daughter was 5, and my son 1. The short version is – it was a nuclear bomb in our lives. And he has been through 4 hospitals in 3 years and is unable to maintain sobriety again for any length of time. Also, al-anon saved my life (I mean that in the most literal sense of the word).
But – - with the kids. In the beginning I worked with a crisis counselor. She helped when my girl was literally waking up screaming from nightmares, and wetting herself like a baby from the trauma. Watching my daughter lose her dad overnight was viscerally painful, like seeing a wounded animal suffer and not being able to help. It was like a death for us, except someone was still wandering around with Daddy’s body & voice, calling here & there on the phone.
At 5 years of age – my communication was, “Your dad loves you. He would like to be with you but he cannot. Why? Because he has a very bad sickness, in his mind, and it makes him behave differently. He loves you just the same in his heart, but his behavior is very sick right now. He loves you and your brother more than anything in the world, but he cannot be here.” Simple, short: Reinforce the love. Reinforce it’s not her fault, not his fault.
He managed to put together about 8 months clean in 2007/8 and was involved in the children’s life a little, coming here to my house to visit regularly. Then he very abruptly relapsed. My daughter was about 7 at that point, my son 2.
I worked with a different counselor and we decided on a different route. The counselor said it was my decision but ultimately that I have a bright, sensitive girl. The feeling that she doesn’t know something, the sense that I am holding back a big piece, is worse than just plainly knowing. Children can deal with all kinds of things – we are the ones who screw it up.
I sat her down, with my parents there for support, and told her very plainly “We talked about Daddy being sick before. The sickness Daddy has is called alcoholism or addiction. This means he cannot stop drinking or using drugs once he starts.” She asked about the drugs – what kind. She asked anxiously if other people knew this and I could see her shame, which made me very sad but I realize my defense against this shame is openness. She cried, and asked some questions. I told her that for an alcoholic, loving someone is like trying to see in the morning when it’s very foggy. You know the person is there, and you know you love them – - but as long as you are on drugs or alcohol, you don’t see the person clearly. The love is still there, but you are foggy. And that is how it is with Daddy. I emphasized to her that in our family, we have to be very careful about alcohol and drugs. We have to make sure that we only take a medicine when we absolutely need it. And we need to be careful about taking that first “one” because we may not be able to stop in our family – we are different from some other people who can try “one”. This is why Mommy chooses to not ever have “one” even when other people do. She asked me, “If Daddy can’t stop taking them, why does he take the first one?” I said, “Well, nobody knows why a drug addict or alcoholic takes the first one. But my guess is that Daddy’s thinking tells him he can do something that his body cannot do.”
My son is barely 4 now and he is beginning to ask a question here & there. But for him – Daddy’s never been here, and open dialogue about addiction and Daddy’s sickness is something he grew up with thus far.
In my opinion – just MY opinion – being honest with her at an age appropriate level is building a muscle that she will need her whole life – for her Dad isn’t going anywhere and neither is our family history of alcoholism and addiction.
Sarah: As with any support group try different Al-Anon mtgs and see which one you feel comfortable in…putting the emphasis back on YOU rather than the alcoholic will help you help your daughter in the years to come.
Al-Anon really does help you develop better communications with personal relations…heck…I use it with work colleagues…though some days it seems like “progress…not perfection”.
There is also Adult Children of Alcoholics but I have never attended one of their mtgs so I don’t know how it works.
Hi, I just want to comment about what gregpeckfan said. I agree that starting to develop the muscle early is important of children of alcoholics, addicts, or folks in double trouble (which is common- a mental illness with an drug/alcohol problem. My 8 year old has accompanied me to meetings and knows the serenity prayer. He is resilient and smart and sees how it helps mommy. He says he understands and that encourages me to go see my “posse,” as he likes to refer to them. I explain his father’s behavior similarly to gregpeckfan.
The love is there and even that I still have love for him but that we weren’t good for one another. My son was angry at first but in the last couple of years has come to understand somehow and is no longer angry. The shame and guilt and fear that tempt us to hide our problem only make it worse and are debilitating. Not sharing information because you’re embarrassed is selfish. I know of kids who were so sheltered that a romantic break up in their mid 20’s was so traumatic and they were so unaccustomed to learning how to deal with the pain they chose suicide. I’m hoping my son will have tools to deal with life’s difficulties. Knowing there are support groups with great people in them out there is important.
There’s a difference between tabloid disclosure and letting your child know her genetics. Alcoholism is a HUGE problem in our society; it must be talked about honestly without euphemisms.
My kids both know about their dad’s boozing (and other things), as it resulted in our divorcing. They were 9 and 12 at the time, so things were pretty transparent.
My younger one goes to AA meetings with his dad sometimes and has said he’ll “never” drink or do drugs. My older son doesn’t go, and flirted with a few bad choices a few years ago.
In my discussions with them, I do talk about the family genetics that would make it more likely that they’d be prone to be addicts. So it was important for me to ask my older son why he experimented with pot — peer pressure? Pure experimentation? stress relief? I expect kids will experiment; I will be vigilant if the reasons for drinking/drugs is to “make me deal with things.”
When you’re being honest with your daughter, it would be good to talk about your own codependent leanings — unfortunately way too common for women. It might help her make smarter choices in the future.
Thanks for sharing.
Rachel, check out Claudia Black’s blog–a post called “Addiction Straight Talk” is very helpful. Here’s the link: http://claudiablackphd.blogspot.com/2007/10/addiction-straight-talk.html#comment-form
http://www.drinkingdiaries.com to GoogleReader!
I am a single mother of two also in recovery. My oldest child is nine and has been through some hard times during my alcoholism. She asked alot of questions when i got sober and i struggled alot with what and how much i should tell her. I spoke to many professionals on the subject and they strongly suggested to me that I be honest with my daughter since alcoholism is a family disease and she needs to know what could happen to her when the time comes if she gives in to peer pressure. Basically she needs to know that she can never just try one drink or one cigarette or one puff of a joint because that can release a lifelong addiction. I think we do not give kids enough credit for what they can handle and especially after they have suffered hurt from somebody else’s addiction that they love they deserve to know some kind of truth otherwise they start blaming themselves. My daughter now understands pretty well and i hope she will keep it with her when the time comes. My little one is five and i dont think he would understand right now but when the time comes I will tell him the truth too.
Keep on breathing, go on breathing,just breathe. And when she’s old enough, you’ll know when to have the talk with her, probably sooner rather than later. I am bipolar and I flirt with alcohol and other more mundane addictions like spending and sex. My oldest is 19 and I still haven’t had a serious talk with her about my failures. She’s a depressive also. But it’s about time,now that she’s in college, to share my weaknesses with her and still be able to maintain my strength in her eyes. You’ve done the best you could and it will have to be good enough; a term I’ve come to learn is not a four letter word. Pat yourself on the back for coming this far and keep on breathing, go on breathing,just breathe.
Gita said >>>The shame and guilt and fear that tempt us to hide our problem only make it worse and are debilitating. Not sharing information because you’re embarrassed is selfish. I know of kids who were so sheltered that a romantic break up in their mid 20’s was so traumatic and they were so unaccustomed to learning how to deal with the pain they chose suicide.
This is SO TRUE…it happened to me 35 years ago….learning that life is about dealing with pain and joy….not just a bowl of roses…is a very crucial lesson to teach a child
Addiction can return in different forms.
No more alcohol can return as food addiction.
Relatively new, drug and/or alcohol -ism returning as on-line addiction. Hours spent on the internet playing games, chat rooms, making “new friends”, sometimes just starting with facebook – all new ways to avoid the here and now. These seem wholesome, cost no money, and allow you to stay home at night and go to work in the morning. Sadly, you think that somehow this addiction, this rush, is safe and harmless. Try being a two year old on the receiving end.
Just found this today, am very late. Hi Rachel, I have been reading your blog off & on for a few years and was surprised to see this from you. You have hidden it
I’ve been reading all over this website since I found it this morning. I am a child of 2 alcoholic parents and also chose to have my daughter with a drunk. I held on for as long as I could, but finally threw in the towel when my daughter was 7. I woke up one day shortly after my 25th birthday, wondering how I got there, how I just let 7 years slip through my fingers and knew I would never get them back. I either got him out of my life right then and tried to salvage what I could out of myself, or I’d be stuck with him in complete and utter unhappiness forever. I asked him to leave shortly after and he never came back. I tried Alanon (but the women there just pissed me off), I never went to face to face meetings, I’ve never talked to a councellor, and I’ve never taken anti-dpressants. Not too shabby given where I came from and what I’ve seen since … Anyway … moving on … My opinion is (and I’m sorry I can’t recall if your ex has anything to do with your daughter now from reading your blog) but my opinion is that if he doesn’t have anything to do with her now, a simplified version will suffice. If she’s never had to live with her dad falling down drunk around her, watching him pick fights or yell obscenities, or seeing you getting beat down physically and/or emotionally, then no sense putting any of it in her head. The basics and the facts are just fine. Alcohol makes people think, act, and feel different when they have too much of it. There’s something in his brain that makes him not be able to stop drinking, even though it makes him sick. You can explain to her what addiction is – the compulsive need for and use of habit forming substances beyond one’s voluntary control, but I would keep it simple.