No more alcohol can return as food addiction.

Relatively new, drug and/or alcohol -ism returning as on-line addiction. Hours spent on the internet playing games, chat rooms, making “new friends”, sometimes just starting with facebook – all new ways to avoid the here and now. These seem wholesome, cost no money, and allow you to stay home at night and go to work in the morning. Sadly, you think that somehow this addiction, this rush, is safe and harmless. Try being a two year old on the receiving end.

My kids both know about their dad’s boozing (and other things), as it resulted in our divorcing. They were 9 and 12 at the time, so things were pretty transparent.

My younger one goes to AA meetings with his dad sometimes and has said he’ll “never” drink or do drugs. My older son doesn’t go, and flirted with a few bad choices a few years ago.

In my discussions with them, I do talk about the family genetics that would make it more likely that they’d be prone to be addicts. So it was important for me to ask my older son why he experimented with pot — peer pressure? Pure experimentation? stress relief? I expect kids will experiment; I will be vigilant if the reasons for drinking/drugs is to “make me deal with things.”

When you’re being honest with your daughter, it would be good to talk about your own codependent leanings — unfortunately way too common for women. It might help her make smarter choices in the future.

Thanks for sharing.

Al-Anon really does help you develop better communications with personal relations…heck…I use it with work colleagues…though some days it seems like “progress…not perfection”.

There is also Adult Children of Alcoholics but I have never attended one of their mtgs so I don’t know how it works.

But – - with the kids. In the beginning I worked with a crisis counselor. She helped when my girl was literally waking up screaming from nightmares, and wetting herself like a baby from the trauma. Watching my daughter lose her dad overnight was viscerally painful, like seeing a wounded animal suffer and not being able to help. It was like a death for us, except someone was still wandering around with Daddy’s body & voice, calling here & there on the phone.

At 5 years of age – my communication was, “Your dad loves you. He would like to be with you but he cannot. Why? Because he has a very bad sickness, in his mind, and it makes him behave differently. He loves you just the same in his heart, but his behavior is very sick right now. He loves you and your brother more than anything in the world, but he cannot be here.” Simple, short: Reinforce the love. Reinforce it’s not her fault, not his fault.

He managed to put together about 8 months clean in 2007/8 and was involved in the children’s life a little, coming here to my house to visit regularly. Then he very abruptly relapsed. My daughter was about 7 at that point, my son 2.

I worked with a different counselor and we decided on a different route. The counselor said it was my decision but ultimately that I have a bright, sensitive girl. The feeling that she doesn’t know something, the sense that I am holding back a big piece, is worse than just plainly knowing. Children can deal with all kinds of things – we are the ones who screw it up.

I sat her down, with my parents there for support, and told her very plainly “We talked about Daddy being sick before. The sickness Daddy has is called alcoholism or addiction. This means he cannot stop drinking or using drugs once he starts.” She asked about the drugs – what kind. She asked anxiously if other people knew this and I could see her shame, which made me very sad but I realize my defense against this shame is openness. She cried, and asked some questions. I told her that for an alcoholic, loving someone is like trying to see in the morning when it’s very foggy. You know the person is there, and you know you love them – - but as long as you are on drugs or alcohol, you don’t see the person clearly. The love is still there, but you are foggy. And that is how it is with Daddy. I emphasized to her that in our family, we have to be very careful about alcohol and drugs. We have to make sure that we only take a medicine when we absolutely need it. And we need to be careful about taking that first “one” because we may not be able to stop in our family – we are different from some other people who can try “one”. This is why Mommy chooses to not ever have “one” even when other people do. She asked me, “If Daddy can’t stop taking them, why does he take the first one?” I said, “Well, nobody knows why a drug addict or alcoholic takes the first one. But my guess is that Daddy’s thinking tells him he can do something that his body cannot do.”

My son is barely 4 now and he is beginning to ask a question here & there. But for him – Daddy’s never been here, and open dialogue about addiction and Daddy’s sickness is something he grew up with thus far.

In my opinion – just MY opinion – being honest with her at an age appropriate level is building a muscle that she will need her whole life – for her Dad isn’t going anywhere and neither is our family history of alcoholism and addiction.

Bringing this all out into the open definitely helps — even if I feel vulnerable.

Judy, I did go to Al-Anon meetings years ago, soon after becoming a single mom. And I think that returning would be a great idea. For sure.

While I think it is better rather than worse to be honest with kids about how alcoholism being a family disease I think it is wise to choose the time for such disclosures. And it is not necessary to give your child the entire story at one time. Let your discussions evolve as naturally as you can.

As you probably already know Al-Anon is a great way to learn how to get support to deal with these issues. If you haven’t tried it I can highly recommend it for co-dependency issues and just in general for relationship issues.

Good luck!

Dr. Leah Klungness from http://www.singlemommyhood.com just posted this feedback on my blog re: this topic.

Her advice is so helpful that I wanted to share it here, too. I’m curious if other readers agree:

“Rachel has opened up an important conversation.

There is no magic age at which kids need to “know” about addiction. Likely, kids are already familiar with the term from lessons at school about smoking and drug use.

But, since experts differ on exactly what the terms “addiction”/”addictive personality”/”addiction prone” actually mean, it’s best to stick with information that helps your kids better understand what has happened in their own lives.

What makes this conversation so difficult for many of you is that “addiction” is part of the infinitely bigger issue of why the other parent (in this case, your daughter’s father) is not a part of their lives.

Here’s where it gets tricky:

Experts debate endlessly the role of choice in addiction. Do addicts have control over their drinking and drugging or is the physiological basis of their addiction so compelling that they are powerless to resist the urge?

Secondly, the issue of whether alcoholism “runs in families” is clouded by how familiar kids who grow up in alcoholic/drug abusing families become with drinking/drugs and the accompanying lack of supervision.
Is it genetics or environment?

No one has the definitive answers to these questions.

My opinion? Addicts make choices. It’s incredibly challenging to stay clean and sober. Most “addicts” are simply not interested in doing the hard work and commitment sobriety requires.

My advice to Rachel? Make sure that Mae knows that her father’s choices in no way “doom her” to a greater susceptibility to substance abuse.

I believe kids get the wrong message when they’re told that they’re “at risk” for drug or alcohol abuse due to family history. Kids hearing that message often conclude “What the heck – might as well do it” if they come to believe that they will eventually succumb to substance abuse.

Kids are best helped by the message repeated early and often that their “other parent” has chosen not to be part of their lives because he or she was simply not able to do the important job or being a parent. Drug/alcohol abuse is simply one indication that parenting is just not in the “other parent’s” skill set.”