By Becky Sherrick Harks
I am an adult child of two alcoholics, and although there are nifty acronyms used to refer to us, I prefer my real name: Becky. The Internet knows me as Aunt Becky and I blog over at a seemingly incongruently named site: “Mommy Wants Vodka.” Perhaps you have heard of me, mixed into articles about Diane Schuler, the lady who killed her kids, bashing me for being a Cocktail Mom.
My blog was named as a tongue-in-cheek joke, which is easily lost in the negativity swirling about the tragedy. Perhaps on paper (or computer screen) this is how I sound: like a lousy drunk who is unfortunately a mother. When, you know, I can sober up enough to actually, you know, parent my children. I hate to shatter expectations to those looking for a quick target to let their anger at alcoholics out on, but I am not a drunk. Humor–tasteless to you, perhaps–is the way that I cope.
In reading up on the other issues facing my cohorts, my fellow children of alcoholics–who also, presumably, have names–I think that in spite of the flack that I get, humor is the far healthier way to handle it. I’ve somehow, by the grace of God, perhaps, been able to avoid many of the nastier lasting effects of my childhood. I am not shy, I do not suffer from low self esteem, and I don’t obsessively hoard china cat figurines.
I do have anxiety and guilt, and I frequently blame myself for things that never had anything to do with me. I cannot trust even my husband with certain things, not because he wouldn’t be unfailingly kind, but because it is ingrained in me to not trust other people.
For all of the controversy surrounding me on The Internet, on the sites that bash me, nothing–NOTHING–can compare to what swirls within me. Every day, every single day that I wake up, I wonder if today will be the day that it hits. We adult children of alcoholics are four times more likely than the general population to develop issues with substance abuse. FOUR TIMES.
For someone like me, who has not one, but two alcoholic parents, this number must be infinitesimally higher. So I wait. Somewhat impatiently, I wait for the day when I will feel the need to become staggeringly drunk and fall down the stairs. Or take to my bed, weeping at what has become of me.
It’s exhausting, this waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But I don’t think that drinking is Of The Devil, no matter how much I hate the smell of scotch and the scent memories that live on, well beyond their lifespan. While I do not recall the last time I had a drink, I have had one and I will continue to have them now and again. The liquor cabinet is well-stocked at my house, and always has been. I’ve not felt the urge to drink myself to obliteration in at least five years and I don’t longingly wait for a cocktail at the end of a long day. Frankly, for as uncool as I will no doubt paint myself now, forever banned from the tattoo-biker moms, I’d be horrified to drink at a playdate.
So I sit and I wait, and while I do this, I build a life for myself: I’m a mother, a writer, a wife and a friend. A daughter. A sister. A niece and a cousin.
My name is Becky, and I am not an alcoholic.
Becky Sherrick Harks is an overachieving nurse who retired from the profession after an admirable 3 months. She stays home now, writing, raising kids and making mischief. She blogs at Mommy Wants Vodka (http://www.mommywantsvodka.com) pretty much every day that ends in “day.”
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Becky, this is an amazing post and it really spoke to me. I think it’s amazing that, though you’re 4 times more likely to be an alcoholic, you’re not one. The fact that you haven’t built your life around alcohol is amazing. You’re an inspiration for people like me! Thank you for putting this out there — and thank you for being you!
You are so amazing. There is so much truth in this and I hope people are not only able to be inspired, but also will be able to realize that you are NOT a cocktail mother. Daily, I become more and more impressed with you. I love you and am proud to call you friend.
I love you. And your blog. And everyone out there who is critical? Can SUCKIT.
XOXOXO
Holly
Becky, I love you. I wish their wasn’t so much judgement in the world, hate that there’s so much pain. Sometimes laughter is the only medicine that works.
Thank you. This was intensely personal to share. Thank you.
As the adult child of a drug addict (recovered/ing) and an enabler (my mother is the daughter of two alcoholics, and has spent her whole life taking care of them, her siblings, us, her husband, etc.), I applaud you for writing this.
thank you for writing this. It’s funny to me that people seem to consider one of the surest signs of alcoholism denial that you are an alcoholic. No way to win, is there? As a fellow child of an alcoholic who enjoys a glass or two of wine and is VERY tuned in to how it affects me, I totally get you.
The not trusting enought to share thingy…I totally get it. Only when I forced my self to share was when I became okay with my life past and present. Opening up really enlightened me and helped me find exceptance. Very well done…well done!
And that should have been acceptance! Apparently trusting didn’t help me learn how to spell.
I also have 2 parents who are alcoholics. One returned to drinking before dying, of lung cancer. Mom? She’s got 30+ years of sobriety. 2 of my brothers are in recovery and my sister surely should be. I’m very very afraid of what lies ahead for me. I’ve dealt w/ the demon many many times.
And yes – I do drink, more than you – a few times a week.
So I’m sayin’ I get it. I get you. I think others, who mention you w/out your consent or even KNOWING what you’re about, well that’s just wrong.
There is a lot to be said for taking life straight on and for handling adversity with laughter.
As far as ffearing what lies ahead…well, it would be great if any of us knew what that was – how it was going to play out, what the timeline would be but please be assured of this:
You have many around you that *will* strand behind you – that will help prop you up – no matter what happens, no matter when.
And that my dear Aunt Becky…
That is your blessing.
First and foremost, I’m proud of you for sharing this. *standing ovation*
Secondly, some of the things you wrote, as well as a couple of the comments, have dove-tailed to produce a light bulb moment for me: thank you for that.
Not “the daughter of…” but the granddaughter. And, I was just recently trying to explain this to someone who believed that if I were an alcoholic, I’d know it already. I don’t think I captured the whole ticking timebomb aspect as well as you do here. Thanks for posting.
Brave post from a brave woman. Bravo!
So very, very glad to have stumbled on your blog. For many reasons. (and the humor — I love it, but I’m kinda sick that way)
Really well done Aunt Becky. Kudos to You-dos.
Brilliant. Most people don’t get the ticking time bomb thing. When I am careful about when and why I drink, not just how much, they seem to think I am making a big deal about nothing. This is really well done.
Nice job, Becky. Right now, I hate alcohol, because a close friend is lying in an ICU with such massive head trauma that they can’t stabilize him enough to operate. His gorgeous face is gone, his whole body is broken, as are the hearts of everyone who knows him, because he got drunk and got behind the wheel.
Our family has more alcoholics in it than ten skeevy dive bars. My mother never drank, because her mother, father, sisters and brothers were major drunks. My sister is the shaky hands, can’t function if she doesn’t drink type.
Me? I drink. I don’t get drunk, because I don’t like being drunk, but I love a nice glass or two of Cabernet. Do I worry about some ticking timebomb? No, no, I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’m a lot older than you and it’s never blown up in my face or maybe it’s just my control freak personality won’t allow it.
I am the grandchild of alcoholics, on both sides. My grandfather on my mom’s side, and my grandmother on my dad’s. My grandfather got drunk and killed himself in front of the entire family one day, my mom the oldest was 19. My grandmother slowly drank herself to death, and although they said it was alzheimer’s, it was wet brain. To say that this didn’t have a profound effect on my parents, and all of us, is a lie. We all are so careful, we all remember parts that were so bad.
But then, we all have tried to see humor in things, and try to remember grandma’s lucid moments, and some of her not so lucid ones with humor. Remember the time that she colored the easter eggs before we got there to do it with her, and that she peeled the eggs ahead of time, and dyed them without us with the shells off. Remember the time that she would let us cut roses in the garden. Try not to remember when she could no longer remember anyone, because the whiskey had turned her brain to mush.
I love you more with each word that I read. Tell me why there aren’t hoards of editors, and publicists, etc. etc. . . .begging you to write for them so you can make their company a well-loved world-renowned company? Thanks for sharing! You’re the best! As uncool as it makes me sound. . .I haven’t had a drink since a few months before I started trying to have children. Nothing like showing up to the ER wasted, right?
The fact that you are so hyperaware of your genetic link toward alcoholism seems to be enough to prevent you from going down that path. There are also other factors, of course, which have helped you to have a respectful relationship with alcohol. You are lucky, and you are also smart.
I like to think I’m also intelligent enough not to ever have succumbed to something such as alcoholism, but unfortunately it can sneak up on you, no matter who you think you are. It didn’t hit me all at once with a sudden desire to get drunk. I’d had drunken binges on occasion since high school, but only a couple years after college did I start to drink for stress relief, and one drink led to another…
This was a very honest post, Becky, and I commend you for it. At the same time, I hope you understand that while alcoholism obviously isn’t something people choose to have, and it also isn’t something that suddenly reaches out and attacks you. It’s more of a process in many, or most, cases. I don’t think you will ever have a problem, like I said, but you are in a position where you may recognize the beginning signs in others, and maybe you will find yourself able to help.
(For the record, I currently have 2 and a half years of sobriety.)
I applaud all of you for your years of sobriety. Honestly, I know how hard it can be. You are all so brave and I stand in awe. I hope that you all share your stories here.
My parents are both recovering alcoholics too. And because I am always hyper aware of my genetic link to alcoholism, I too am always waiting for that shoe to drop. I take measures- like recently, I learned that Target will take back a box of wine if you haven’t opened it. Thanks for this post! It reminds me that I am not alone!
My mother was an alcoholic and although I’ve escaped the tragedy of following in her footsteps, I can never quite escape the tragedy she caused in our lives; but I do think I’ve worked very hard to not let it define the course of mine.
Despite the pure hell of our young lives; most of my siblings went the same direction and I am not in a relationship with them. It has taken me a lot of adult years to realize the behaviors I do have as a result. ‘Please, please let me do something for you; anything…oh, and certainly never ever even once consider that I might one day expect/appreciate reciprocation!’
My mother eventually killed herself when I was 28; sadly, it was a blessing for our family; the constant fear that she would hurt someone else was finally over.
My co-dependent father, who took my mother back time and time again despite her drinking and promiscuity; has not talked to me in 23 years, but, of course, it was really my fault (she said snidely).
Guess I finally could no longer take being lauded as a bad daughter or a bad wife (Yep, that’s what I heard when my husband had an affair and left me and our two kids!).
I realize my father needs to be needed and my being driven to be everything my mother was not; responsible, hard working and SOBER did not make for the kind of relationship he requires. I washed two men out of my hair at one time and although not a perfect life result, it was perfect for me (absolutely took me a couple of years to realize that!).
I do drink, but in moderation and hardly ever alone. I love wine and even have a business selling wine accessories and holding wine events…if that demon is inside me; I’ve found some way to successfully manage it. Since a young girl, I’ve always had such a strong determination to NOT let that happen; there were moments when my own voice certainly helped me keep on the right path; so I know it can be done.
I drive my family a bit crazy with liking my house REALLY neat and clean and certainly have a bit of an obsession with Chocolate but given the options; I don’t let those make me feel guilty!
Thank you for sharing; I appreciate it. The one thing I recall with such clarity as a young women was how this was our big secret and how hard it was to never have someone to talk to about how difficult everyday life was; this forum surely makes it easier for those dealing with this demon in their own life a place to find solace, support and, yes, humor!
Barbara, I am glad to know that I am not the only one who uses humor to manage situations like this. I’ve gotten a fair amount of flack for it, but humor is the ONLY way I can handle it. It’s laugh or explode. I’ll take laughter, thank you.
I think your writing, wit, and tongue in cheek humor is fabulous. Screw anyone who wants to judge your coping mechanisms, writing, or sense of self. I, too, am a child of alcoholics, but refuse to take on my parents’ responsibilities as my own. Rock on.
This is just amazing and not just because I worship at your alter. I’m sorry that you have to live with the fear and the anxiety. And yes, I’ve read the articles that mention your blog name in the same breath as that tragedy and it boggles the mind.
And there is nothing healthier than using humor to tackle difficult situations. And by “healthier” I mean “that I like more’.
I.love.you. And while my mother is a complete teetotaler, she has issues not unlike many alcoholics and passed many crazy things onto to me. I too feel guilty about everything – including the starving children in Africa – and have horrible anxiety – I was awake at 4am this morning as I know you were too. I too wonder when the other shoe will drop and my life will fall apart. I flirt with falling apart, but at the end of the day I love my kids too much to not take wonderful care of them and be the mother I never had. I also use humor and writing to help me cope. Oh and in case you missed what I said up top? I.love.you.
Kristi
I’m sure this is hard for you to write about. You did an excellent job and I appreciate your honesty! It must be frustrating to know that while you are obviously handling yourself well (i.e. not falling down the alcoholism spiral), there are people out there who don’t understand that humor can also be a healthy coping mechanism. But there are clearly many more of us that do (I often remark that I need a stiff drink after a hard day, yet I never drink alcohol), so keep up the awesome work.
Thanks for the great post and reminder that “biology is not destiny!”
I think that you are absolutely wonderful and very courageous to write about the truth in your life. I started following you because of the title of your blog. I found it very hysterical, never believing that it was the truth. I thought this girl has a great sense of humor and I must know her. My sister went through very tough times and humor is what got her through it. I applaud you!! Thanks for letting us know you.
This is an awesome post, one of your all-time best ones. Thanks for being so honest (and funny) about your painful past. You haven’t become an alcoholic, you haven’t married an alcoholic, and you care so much about your kids — how could there be controversy? I’m glad I haven’t seen any of those comments.
Aside from the mental illness rampant in my family, my stepdad was also the child of an alcoholic, and my mother behaved very much like an alcoholic although her drug of choice was rage. I attended AA and ACOA and CODA meetings in working through some of the major issues of my past and learned a lot that was very helpful. I use dark humor as a way to cope with the pain, too. I’m happy to have met you and I know you’ll keep growing and being honest and HYSTERICALLY FUNNY!
My father was an alcoholic. He was also funny as hell. The older I’ve gotten and the more together my life has been, the less I’ve found myself wanting to be obliterated (I drink, but I knew I would never be an alcoholic because I have the lowest booze-tolerance in the world. Even one glass of wine makes me feel swirly).
I feel incredibly sad when I think of the fact that he died too young and that he was drinking himself into a stupor in his final years, but as I’ve come to forgive him for the things that he couldn’t do -we’ve found our peace and when I remember him nowadays I more often remember his laughter and jokes than the drinking.
Also, humor is totally my number 1 weapon too.
I’m standing and applauding with your legions of fans. My parents are not alcoholics. However, my grandfather, brother, paternal uncle, maternal uncle and several cousins are. So yes, I know what it is like to wait for that shoe to drop. Also, I watch my children and hold my breath – waiting for the gene to manifest.
*standing ovation*
i’ll drink to that.
Well said, and even better written, my friend.
When that terrible DWI tragedy occurred, I wondered how it would reflect on you, and on what’s-her-name who wrote the 3-martini-playdate. In these times, I guess that misplaced backlash would be inevitable. But, you know, f* anyone who says we can’t laugh at our own fears and demons.
So awesome, Becky. You know I love you, even though we’ve never met. I know what a wonderful person you are without having to actually KNOW you.
How is it that people don’t get the snarkyness of “Mommy Wants Vodka’?! Where is all the indignation over ‘Mommy Needs A Time Out’ or ‘Just Wait Until Daddy Gets Home’?! Don’t those titles advocate running as fast as you can to get away from your kids?
Kuddos to you for writing this and for sharing it – knowing your predisposition is half the battle, and the fact that you acknowledge it and are so aware of it means that you are winning.
And you are a winner.
Well done, Becky. You SHOULD be proud of yourself! From what you’ve shared of your life with your friends and readers, you’ve dealt with, you have reason to be proud of the life you’ve created. Thank you for sharing this, friend.
I love that you’re writing about this Becky, it’s something I always wonder about. You hide your pain so well in the humor that it’s sometimes completely unnoticeable. Because of my own family history I rarely ever left my children with anyone, but you I would trust:) You’ve never written a single word that made me think your children have anything but a wonderful mother, some days better than others of course! Your trait of over-responsibility makes me think there is no way in hell you’ll ever give into alcoholism. Of course, there are so many other land mines out there you need not stop worrying! Like for example the way I never dated a drunk because I could not bear the smell after years in an addictive family, so I skipped right over that peccadillo and went straight to drug addicts. I too never liked the term ACOA, preferring ACOF*ckingManiac. It’s got a ring to it, yes? I love you, Becky, really:)
Delurking here (from your blog) to say what an amazing post this is. Recently, my sister mentioned an article about this issue with mommy drinkers and mentioned your blog. I was shocked! I immediately said, “But she doesn’t drink!!!” Unbelievable how words are skewed. You’re awesome, Becky. I love your blog-it makes me shoot soda out of my nose daily!!!
BECKY.
Holy shit. Thank thank you thank you …. for sharing yourself, and for leading me to this website. I can’t wait to read everybody’s stories.
You are so very awesome. XOX
This is an amazing post, Becky. Kudos to you for having the guts to write it and to write it so well.
This is wonderfully written, open and honest – and yes, even funny. I especially enjoy the bio – “retired after an admirable three months.”
You are so much stronger than you realize, Becky.
Brilliant article! My alcoholic stepfather came into my life when I was nine. My enabler mother turned herself inside out for him. Even though it’s not genetic in my case, they both drove me to drink – literally and figuratively – at a very young age. I got eeeeeeek! close to becoming an alcoholic. I guess it has to start somewhere from scratch right? My life was defined by heavy drinking, binge drinking, nearly killing myself and my sister by driving during a blackout. 4 years ago I met someone who simply wouldn’t tolerate it and he was worth it. Since May this year I’ve been teetotall, for no reason other than I don’t need it anymore. I think alcohol may have lost it’s grip forever – I hope so.
I’ve always thought of the name of your blog (and others, like Whiskey in My Sippy Cup) as a sort of social commentary/rejection of soccer mom culture (related: do soccer moms have a “culture”?). Ironic, satirical, sardonic… not at all tied to reality. Whether that’s true or not, people who don’t get that or see the simple HUMOR in it are dead to me. Seriously. What is WRONG with people?
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, and so is my husband. I didn’t touch alcohol until I was around 20 for fear that it was simply written in my genes, fated, for me to be alcoholic. I realized at some point, though, that I had control over it. Whether the predisposition was in my genes or not, I did not HAVE to become an alcoholic. That realization was really empowering. I’ve been drinking socially now for about 13 years, but I’ve only been what I would call “drunk” once (and not even enough to barf).
I don’t deny that my life could take that turn (as could anyone’s) if I’m dealt a particularly shitty hand at some point, but I honestely don’t think it’ll happen. I worry instead about my four children who have it in their genes from both sides. My daughter, in particular, worries me. She’s highly emotional, artistic, headstrong, creative, a risk-taker and rule-breaker… I can imagine her living her life fast, dependent on something because she needs that kind of rush. Scares the bejeesus out of me.
I just hope it’s not in her.
Um, wow. Very well written. I have the same respect/fear of alcohol that you seem to have, but for different reasons. I am not an alcoholic, nor is anyone in my family. I am, however, bipolar and one drink can become a binge depending on what mood phase I’m in. I’ve seen the damage it can do, and the things I have done while manic and drunk I am truly deeply ashamed of.
But this isn’t about me, this is about you and you are amazing.
Thanks for this. Really, thank you.
You rock.