by Caren Osten Gerszberg
I don’t know about you, but my Thanksgiving came with a mixed blessing.
Surrounded by a large number—18 to be exact—of family and close friends, I revel in the togetherness of this day. It is with great joy and appreciation that we fill our family’s table with people we love and consider as family, even if we are not of blood relation. I cook for days, mostly alone, and without stress or anxiety develop a menu including an array of dishes that I know most at our table—kids included—will enjoy. With abandon, I sauté and carmelize, roast and bake and love practically every minute of it. With my husband, I select wines we will drink throughout the afternoon and evening, and make sure all beverages are in check.
Yesterday arrived, and although I wondered if my 24-pound turkey, who I’d named Matilda, would ever actually be done (she took about 6 hours), my hopes were high for a lovely day. My husband and kids played basketball out front in our driveway, and my dog trailed me, sensing when I was going to use the turkey baster and hoping she’d get to lick a drip of anything meat-related. Following an urge to blast some loud music, I decided to be a bit zen and put on Mozart instead of Dave Matthews. The day was going without a hitch.
And then, my mother arrived. At 75, she looks good physically, and I was glad to see her. But the predictable was only moments away.
“Can I please have a glass of wine?” she asked.
“You can have one glass, with dinner, so just wait until then,” I answered.
My mother, a French native who has always loved wine, grew to love it too much about ten years ago, and her love morphed into an addiction which continues to plague me at every event—both big and small, mundane and celebratory.
Moments later, a friend was chasing me around the kitchen, clutching a glass and obviously uncomfortable as my mother anxiously followed her.
“Here, Caren,” she said. “This belongs to your cousin but your mother was drinking it when he got up to go to the restroom. I thought you may want to know.”
I looked at my mother-turned-child, and like the stern authority I needed to be—lest she get drunk, slur her words, and become an embarrassment to her grandchildren—I told her: “NO! You can have some wine with dinner and you need to wait.”
We sat down at the table. She drank a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, and without hesitation, asked for more. This continued throughout the meal. And dessert. While we talked Thanksgiving trivia and my son told Thanksgiving jokes, friends were moving the bottles to the other end of the table, trying to make the temptation a little less for my mom. She followed me into the kitchen, asking again and again, until finally, I picked up the phone.
“I need a taxi. How long will it take?” I inquired, trying to breathe deeply and keep calm.
Ten minutes later, I ushered her into a taxi. She complained but I stood firm. I was just trying to cut my losses before it got worse for both of us.
Once she was gone, I could finally relax, but not without feeling brokenhearted. I wanted my mother to be here, to share in a tradition to which she exposed me. For years, she had seamlessly hosted a house full of people, where being grateful went along with a table laden with scrumptious food.
But she’s not the mother I knew. I miss my mother. But I still love Thanksgiving.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I really appreciate this essay. And the last three lines, I think, strike sharply true. I have an older relative whose addiction to alcohol has, in the past few years, become undeniable, resulting in her being financially manipulated and most recently being charged with a DWI. I feel so sad when I think of the past when she was a part of all of our family gatherings, and the pain that she must be feeling at some deep level. But when I talk to her I have to distance myself; she lies (sloppily) and her tone sounds entirely false; as with your mother she is not the person I thought I knew. Can that person come back I wonder?
You bring tears to my eyes, Caren. I wonder the same, and about others as well as your Mom. Cherish the good, ignore the bad. “Joy cometh in the morning,” says Proverbs.
I definitely empathize with you here, but I’ve realized you can’t have your Chardonnay and drink it, too. Now, I live with an alcoholic, unlike you, who has one come and visit now and again. But as much as I love a cocktail, as perfect as wine is with some cheeses, as comforting as a beer can be after a very long day, I (and my entire family) know that doing this in front of the Family Alcoholic is a no-no. If I were as worried as you are about your mother having too much and becoming “an embarassment,” I’d bite the bullet and make it a dry Thanksgiving, with a promise to host a cocktail hour the next night for those who can’t do without. Either that, or I’d make it a mother-less Thanksgiving. Just a thought.