by Leah Odze Epstein
The problem with Al-Anon meetings is they’re not fun. In fact, they’re so depressing, they could drive a person to drink. Okay, so maybe I’ve only ever been to two meetings in my life, and I’m open to being convinced otherwise, but still…
As the daughter of an alcoholic, I sometimes need to vent, and it’s better to vent to people who’ve been in the same position. But couldn’t we lighten up the mood a little bit? Couldn’t we change up the location so we’re not sitting in the basement of a fluorescent-lit church, on a hard chair, drinking bad coffee?
Were the two Al-Anon meetings I went to eye-opening? Yes. Paradigm-shifting? Yes. But they kind of left me spooked.
One day when I was in my late twenties and living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and very few things in my life worked, I felt compelled to drag myself to my first Al-Anon meeting. I was used to fixing things by myself, but the nightly bottle or two of red wine I shared with my best friend just wasn’t working anymore. I was waking up flushed and hung over.
On my way to the meeting, I was riddled with the fear that I’d run into somebody I knew, or worse—that they would ask, “Where are you going?”
Irrational? Well, this is the kind of secrecy and shame I learned as the daughter of an alcoholic. My lifelong code: Don’t let them see you crack. It may have been hard at home, but no one had to know. That would only make them criticize my mother, and by extension, me.
That code made it kind of hard to want to go to a Meeting. In public. But I suppose that’s part of the battle: getting to the meeting to break that feeling of public shame.
As a teenager and young adult, I wore the façade of an untroubled free spirit, so when I walked into the Al-Anon meeting on that crisp Fall evening, it jarred me to look around at my fellow attendees. Like me, most people at the meeting were in their twenties. Unlike me, most of these people exposed their trauma right there for all to see. They were like live wires, with their unlit cigarettes and shaking hands clutching coffee cups. The room buzzed with energy.
I cringed as the guy beside me told of his alcoholic parents locking him in the basement–torturing him. I heard about incest. Evil stepmothers. Runaways. I was nothing like these people. What I’d suffered was long ago. Minimal, compared.
My memories of my mother’s drinking were as fuzzy as a drunk’s vision. I was nine when she stopped drinking. The stories I remembered seemed minor. And yet I carried them around inside of me, like my driver’s license in my wallet with its unflattering photo, slightly out of focus.
The people at the Al-Anon meeting told their stories willingly. I remember thinking they must be so messed up they had no choice but to tell. Then a girl—a beautiful folksinger with long, wavy blonde hair and faded jeans—stood up and spoke. She was an artist, a true free spirit; the girl I was pretending to be. I sat there, listening, my body trembling, as I tried not to cry. Not one single outward detail of her life story resembled mine, yet the emotions rang true.
There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.
Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.
There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.
I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…
Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.
I shake my head to wake up from my dream–we’re supposed to be scarred by alcohol, bruised. But in my opinion, we’re the lucky ones, the ones who escaped, the ones who didn’t qualify for AA. That calls for celebration: bright lights, a nice glass of wine and a comfortable chair. Or at the very least, a latte.
Leah Odze Epstein is co-editor of Drinking Diaries. You can follow her on Twitter at @Leaheps and you can become a fan of drinking diaries on facebook.
Great piece, Leah! It totally resonates with me and my limited al-anon experiences.
While I do not disagree with you in principle, I do believe you would do well to try out more meetings. Al-Anon recommends one try at least six different meetings before making conclusions about Al-Anon. Many of the meetings fit your description, but there are those out there which do not. You’d do well to get a schedule, too, and see if you prefer more focused meetings–like meetings specific to ACOAs. Also, I highly recommend Al-Anon conferences. They’re quite a bit more lively and fun, and oftentimes feature great speakers you may not ever get to hear in a nearby meeting. They do charge registration fees, but in my experience–it’s worth it. You get a chance to meet members who are more active in the program, and who perhaps are not stuck in a once weekly meeting only rut. And they may be the best resource for locating good regular meetings.
If nothing else, I do highly recommend the literature–it’s an easy way to see more of what Al-Anon is supposed to be about on your own, and it’s never a gripe session. Plus you can read it wherever you choose. Keep going back–it works if you work it.
I’ve not actually been to a meeting, what my mum describes about the people she’s met is enough to keep me away. It scares me how completely involved everyone gets in the group, kind of a cult feeling. I’m just doing what you’re doing and trying not to think about it too much, but this time of year does get me contemplating, and I totally appreciate what you’re saying about your stories not being too bad, since neither are mine.
So I had this idea that maybe the best Al-Anon meeting for me would be one I held in my home–a kind of salon, where women I know in the same boat would come to talk and snack & hopefully laugh, using some of the principles of Al-Anon as set forth in the literature.
I regret that you wrote this post after attending only two Al-Anon meetings. I’m concerned that your comments could turn off many people who would benefit from Al-Anon. I have been a member of another 12-step meeting, Overeaters Anonymous, for ten years, and have gone to Al-Anon meetings when OA was not available or for the benefit of being in a 12-step meeting, whatever the type. Rarely have I heard people at Al-Anon focusing on extreme life situations like torture. Almost always they’re talking about just everyday stuff than most people have experienced. The atmosphere is usually cheerful and uplifting, with lots of laughter. Yes, meetings are typically held in low-cost church basements — because that way the organization doesn’t have to charge big bucks, and can attract people at all economic levels.
The lines you used, “The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness,” is exactly my experience of many Al-Anon meetings.
I see your point, Louisa, but I’m always open to trying again. That’s the funny thing. And I truly believe the program, and the literature, work! Just sharing my own quirks and limitations.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a good experience. In my neighborhood, Alanon meetings are in a beautiful room in the hospital full of wonderful people who share their joys and their sorrows. Some with humor some without. They are not just women but men also who have been scarred by drinkers and soothed by Alanon…..you would benefit by looking for other meetings……mine have been life savers!
I agree with Louisa. Check out a bunch of meetings. Find ones where you fit and some where you don’t to help you stretch. The one thing you couldn’t get out of those two meetings and what most misunderstand about Alanon from the outside is that it’s about putting the focus back 0n yourself and off of the alcoholic. I will say I’ve come to understand the the AAer’s have more fun in their meetings because they were having more fun than the Alanons in the first place. We have trouble learning how to have fun after going through all that trauma. So ironically we do laugh alot in meetings but usually from a darkly comedic place of being able to relate to another’s obsessive mind. For example we hear someone share about obsessing over a significant other and deciding to do a “drive by” to check up on them, for example, and we all laugh because we know we’ve been there in that kind of toxic a mind set. For alcoholics it’s a very obvious drinking disease. For us it’s a more elusive thinking disease that makes it hard for us to clearly see our character defects and behavior dysfunction. The either -ism is a spiritual disease. We are not a religion or a group of people living in books and meetings hermetically sealed off from the world. We are people participating in real life more happily by virtue of this spiritual program in which we are our own boss. I know of no other spiritual program where you are the final judge, you decide what means what, you are encouraged to take what you like and leave the rest and where you are always welcome no matter how late or early you show up for the meeting or how great or little you contribute. The consistency you ran into in those rooms is more about being able to show up in any town or city and feel at home and welcome. I hope this helps you on your path in some small way even if it does nothing other than give you hope that things can get better.
I agree with Louisa. Check out a bunch of meetings. Find ones where you fit and some where you don’t to help you stretch. The one thing you couldn’t get out of those two meetings and what most misunderstand about Alanon from the outside is that it’s about putting the focus back 0n yourself and off of the alcoholic. I will say I’ve come to understand the the AAer’s have more fun in their meetings because they were having more fun than the Alanons in the first place. We have trouble learning how to have fun after going through all that trauma. So ironically we do laugh alot in meetings but usually from a darkly comedic place of being able to relate to another’s obsessive mind. For example we hear someone share about obsessing over a significant other and deciding to do a “drive by” to check up on them, for example, and we all laugh because we know we’ve been there in that kind of toxic a mind set. For alcoholics it’s a very obvious drinking disease. For us it’s a more elusive thinking disease that makes it hard for us to clearly see our character defects and behavioral dysfunction. Either -ism is a spiritual disease. We are not a religion or a group of people living in books and meetings hermetically sealed off from the world. We are people participating in real life more happily by virtue of this spiritual program in which we are our own boss. I know of no other spiritual program where you are the final judge, you decide what means what, you are encouraged to take what you like and leave the rest and where you are always welcome no matter how late or early you show up for the meeting or how great or little you contribute. The consistency you ran into in those rooms is more about being able to show up in any town or city and feel at home and welcome. I hope this helps you on your path in some small way even if it does nothing other than give you hope that things can get better.
I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings regularly for six years. You’ve described perfectly what I call the “dirty little secrets” of being in “the rooms.” Take what you like and leave the rest is indeed key, in my opinion…as is stick with the winners.
Hmmm..interesting information and opinions.. I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings for 4+ yrs and have never laughed so much in my life…that’s not to say that there aren’t sad things that are shared in meetings…there are…addiction (alcoholism being one addiction) is a horrible disease that tears apart everyone it touches…both the addict and everyone around him or her…the only way I’ve found to regain some sanity is thru Al-Anon and working the steps (the 12 steps)..there is something very powerful about being with other human beings that have gone thru or are going thru the same sh*t you are. I’m not sure what Parker means when he/she says the “dirty little secrets”…there are none in the rooms…there are people who are just begining their road to recovery and may not be as healthy as someone else..but that’s about it…length of time in Al-Anon does not necessarily equate to healthiness …anyone who has been affected by someone elses addiction (which is almost everyone..) is welcome at Al-Anon…but you have to make the effort…go to at least 6 different meetings [key word different] before you decide… Al-Anon is truely a gift, but you have to make the effort of “opening the box” [going to at least 6 meetings] before you get the gift……
For a while I was going ot AA, Al Anon, and SLAA meetings, and I found the Al Anon the most unsettling. I think this was because in my group, there were those who had responded to their parents’ drinking by hiding out and those who had responded to it by taking enormous risks. I remember sitting between two guys–the first one had only recently started leaving his room (he was about 35) and the second one was the one remaining survivor of a group of hang-gliders he had known in college. These two types didn’t really understand each other at all, and there was a lot of tension in the room. Even though I didn’t drink, I found the AA meetings much more helpful for understanding my local alcoholic. And myself, too. So I am sure all meeting groups are different, but this group seemed to represent two likely types of children of alcoholics. The meetings I kept up with were the sex and love addicts anonymous. Highly recommended.
If you’re going to publicly pass judgment on any 12 step program based on two meetings, you’re doing poor research as a writer.
There’s a reason most meetings suggest you try six different meetings before deciding if it’s for you. If you can’t even make it through six, how can you publicly condemn it? You have no idea if it can work for you.
Why not actually research Al-Anon before putting it down: Get a sponsor, work the 12 steps and then let us know if Al-Anon didn’t work for you.
Having been in Al-Anon for almost 29 years by choice, I have laughed more times than not, have not found it to be a cult as one of the other commenters suggested and found that my Al-Anon family is healither than those who are non Al-Anon for the most part. Maybe your experiences were not as bad as the guy tortured in the basement, but were you affected? From what YOU describe you were. Can Al-Anon help you? Only if you are willing to attend more than just two meetings and keep an open mind. Only if you are willing to get a sponsor, work the steps, read the literature, committ to your recovery. My group meets in a basement, but the chairs are not hard, and the coffee isn’t bad. I also am on a committee for an Al-Anon speakers meeting. Friday night, we had a Halloween costume contest before the speaker and everyone laughed and had fun; in fact we laughed the whole evening. I have been to plenty of Al-Anon fundraisers that were fun too, and assemblies, and internationals. Is Al-Anon perfect? No way, but it has saved a lot of lives, mine included. If your way is working better, go for it. If your way is helping you get over the memories you are still carrying around, then by all means stick with it. But, if it isn’t and you are still affected, then maybe you should try more than two meetings. Al-Anon wouldn’t be around for as long as it has if it didn’t work. I learned early on that Al-Anon isn’t for those who need it, it is for those who want it. Just for your information, the rooms are full of people who only went to a couple of meetings, decided it wasn’t for them and left. But then, when their way wasn’t working, they came back, started truly working the program and decided that they wanted what we have after all. Today those same people are having fun and laughing like the rest of us because they are happy, joyous and free.
Seriously? It is beyond frustrating that you would have the audacity to write in such a flippant manner about other human being’s sharing of their stories of abuse. It strikes me funny that you would be embarrassed about attending a “boring” Al Anon meeting, but you aren’t ashamed of posting Drinking Diaries. Maybe if the people who attended the Al Anon stories would have shared stories of their parents sharing lampshades on their heads and table dancing, you would have enjoyed it better. Maybe you should take a better look at what qualifies you for AA. One day your children or other loved ones may be sharing stories at Al Anon about YOU.
All those who have been indoctrinated into this cult are going to pick up on anything to negate your experience. It doesn’t take more than one meeting to see that 12 step groups are dangerous cults. You are not powerless, you do not need to give your life over to anything, you are not diseased, you are not insane, you are not a character defective full of personality shortcomings. You do not need to make amends to anyone and you do not need a spiritual experience to feel better. In 12 step programs, you can never leave. LEAVE. Your instincts are right on and don’t let anyone who has been told that they are powerless so often that they actually believe to convince you otherwise.
After reading Noel’s comments and the other angry brainwashed comments on this thread all I can say is ‘I rest my case.’
Counselorchick…i do agree with most of what you say. I do think 12 step programs work in helping sort out addictive situations, but not fir the families or companions of the addicted person.
I went to alanon because i am in a new relationship with a sober alcoholic. I wanted to be proactive, and become aware about what to do and not do to keep my friend on the right track.
Well the members just stared at me..silence…was their response. I restated the csse…same response.
Counselorchick…i do agree with most of what you say. I do think 12 step programs work in helping sort out addictive situations, but are not the best option for the families or companions of the addicted person.
I went to alanon because i am in a new relationship with a sober alcoholic. I wanted to be proactive, and become aware about what to do and not do to keep my friend on the right track.Alanon, seemed like the perfect place to go for information.
I Introduced myself, and explained my situation. The members just stared at me..silence…was their response . So, i restated MY question ….and got the same response….finally someone said, oh we do not offer advice. We are just here for support.
Later, i went on line, to learn more…and ..basically that is what was there. I went again to a meeting, thinking, well maybe someone with some intelligence would show up, and of course your told the 12 steps, is what needs to be done. That is insane. All i want is information. If they have none….be honest and say so…this nonsense, that all of a sudden i am now powerless……that is absurd. All of a sudden i need to re-examine my life and priorities and make amends is insanity. It doesn’t apply. I don’t claim to be perfect, but this 12 step program is way to the extreme. And i am religious, so my attitude has nothing to do with God or religion.it has to do with the idea that the only acceptable choice is a 12 step program. That is really nonsense.
Love the write-up – Been to 2 (or 3) depending Al-Anon Meetings and I agree – I will look up your Drinking Diaries – Did you start the group that you referred to? Crisp, clear, vivid and real writing – LOVE it!