Comments on: Al-Anon Ambivalence

By: Florence

Florence — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:22:34 +0000

For a while I was going ot AA, Al Anon, and SLAA meetings, and I found the Al Anon the most unsettling. I think this was because in my group, there were those who had responded to their parents’ drinking by hiding out and those who had responded to it by taking enormous risks. I remember sitting between two guys–the first one had only recently started leaving his room (he was about 35) and the second one was the one remaining survivor of a group of hang-gliders he had known in college. These two types didn’t really understand each other at all, and there was a lot of tension in the room. Even though I didn’t drink, I found the AA meetings much more helpful for understanding my local alcoholic. And myself, too. So I am sure all meeting groups are different, but this group seemed to represent two likely types of children of alcoholics. The meetings I kept up with were the sex and love addicts anonymous. Highly recommended.

By: Bill

Bill — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:51:36 +0000

Hmmm..interesting information and opinions.. I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings for 4+ yrs and have never laughed so much in my life…that’s not to say that there aren’t sad things that are shared in meetings…there are…addiction (alcoholism being one addiction) is a horrible disease that tears apart everyone it touches…both the addict and everyone around him or her…the only way I’ve found to regain some sanity is thru Al-Anon and working the steps (the 12 steps)..there is something very powerful about being with other human beings that have gone thru or are going thru the same sh*t you are. I’m not sure what Parker means when he/she says the “dirty little secrets”…there are none in the rooms…there are people who are just begining their road to recovery and may not be as healthy as someone else..but that’s about it…length of time in Al-Anon does not necessarily equate to healthiness …anyone who has been affected by someone elses addiction (which is almost everyone..) is welcome at Al-Anon…but you have to make the effort…go to at least 6 different meetings [key word different] before you decide… Al-Anon is truely a gift, but you have to make the effort of “opening the box” [going to at least 6 meetings] before you get the gift……

By: parker

parker — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:02:16 +0000

I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings regularly for six years. You’ve described perfectly what I call the “dirty little secrets” of being in “the rooms.” Take what you like and leave the rest is indeed key, in my opinion…as is stick with the winners.

By: Todd

Todd — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:11:50 +0000

I agree with Louisa. Check out a bunch of meetings. Find ones where you fit and some where you don’t to help you stretch. The one thing you couldn’t get out of those two meetings and what most misunderstand about Alanon from the outside is that it’s about putting the focus back 0n yourself and off of the alcoholic. I will say I’ve come to understand the the AAer’s have more fun in their meetings because they were having more fun than the Alanons in the first place. We have trouble learning how to have fun after going through all that trauma. So ironically we do laugh alot in meetings but usually from a darkly comedic place of being able to relate to another’s obsessive mind. For example we hear someone share about obsessing over a significant other and deciding to do a “drive by” to check up on them, for example, and we all laugh because we know we’ve been there in that kind of toxic a mind set. For alcoholics it’s a very obvious drinking disease. For us it’s a more elusive thinking disease that makes it hard for us to clearly see our character defects and behavioral dysfunction. Either -ism is a spiritual disease. We are not a religion or a group of people living in books and meetings hermetically sealed off from the world. We are people participating in real life more happily by virtue of this spiritual program in which we are our own boss. I know of no other spiritual program where you are the final judge, you decide what means what, you are encouraged to take what you like and leave the rest and where you are always welcome no matter how late or early you show up for the meeting or how great or little you contribute. The consistency you ran into in those rooms is more about being able to show up in any town or city and feel at home and welcome. I hope this helps you on your path in some small way even if it does nothing other than give you hope that things can get better.

By: Todd

Todd — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:08:21 +0000

I agree with Louisa. Check out a bunch of meetings. Find ones where you fit and some where you don’t to help you stretch. The one thing you couldn’t get out of those two meetings and what most misunderstand about Alanon from the outside is that it’s about putting the focus back 0n yourself and off of the alcoholic. I will say I’ve come to understand the the AAer’s have more fun in their meetings because they were having more fun than the Alanons in the first place. We have trouble learning how to have fun after going through all that trauma. So ironically we do laugh alot in meetings but usually from a darkly comedic place of being able to relate to another’s obsessive mind. For example we hear someone share about obsessing over a significant other and deciding to do a “drive by” to check up on them, for example, and we all laugh because we know we’ve been there in that kind of toxic a mind set. For alcoholics it’s a very obvious drinking disease. For us it’s a more elusive thinking disease that makes it hard for us to clearly see our character defects and behavior dysfunction. The either -ism is a spiritual disease. We are not a religion or a group of people living in books and meetings hermetically sealed off from the world. We are people participating in real life more happily by virtue of this spiritual program in which we are our own boss. I know of no other spiritual program where you are the final judge, you decide what means what, you are encouraged to take what you like and leave the rest and where you are always welcome no matter how late or early you show up for the meeting or how great or little you contribute. The consistency you ran into in those rooms is more about being able to show up in any town or city and feel at home and welcome. I hope this helps you on your path in some small way even if it does nothing other than give you hope that things can get better.

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 05:24:36 +0000

I’m sorry you didn’t have a good experience. In my neighborhood, Alanon meetings are in a beautiful room in the hospital full of wonderful people who share their joys and their sorrows. Some with humor some without. They are not just women but men also who have been scarred by drinkers and soothed by Alanon…..you would benefit by looking for other meetings……mine have been life savers!

By: Leah

Leah — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:24:46 +0000

I see your point, Louisa, but I’m always open to trying again. That’s the funny thing. And I truly believe the program, and the literature, work! Just sharing my own quirks and limitations.

By: Louisa

Louisa — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:51:31 +0000

I regret that you wrote this post after attending only two Al-Anon meetings. I’m concerned that your comments could turn off many people who would benefit from Al-Anon. I have been a member of another 12-step meeting, Overeaters Anonymous, for ten years, and have gone to Al-Anon meetings when OA was not available or for the benefit of being in a 12-step meeting, whatever the type. Rarely have I heard people at Al-Anon focusing on extreme life situations like torture. Almost always they’re talking about just everyday stuff than most people have experienced. The atmosphere is usually cheerful and uplifting, with lots of laughter. Yes, meetings are typically held in low-cost church basements — because that way the organization doesn’t have to charge big bucks, and can attract people at all economic levels.

The lines you used, “The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness,” is exactly my experience of many Al-Anon meetings.

By: Leah

Leah — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:56:58 +0000

So I had this idea that maybe the best Al-Anon meeting for me would be one I held in my home–a kind of salon, where women I know in the same boat would come to talk and snack & hopefully laugh, using some of the principles of Al-Anon as set forth in the literature.

By: jennywenny

jennywenny — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:24:15 +0000

I’ve not actually been to a meeting, what my mum describes about the people she’s met is enough to keep me away. It scares me how completely involved everyone gets in the group, kind of a cult feeling. I’m just doing what you’re doing and trying not to think about it too much, but this time of year does get me contemplating, and I totally appreciate what you’re saying about your stories not being too bad, since neither are mine.

By: Megan S.

Megan S. — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:56:42 +0000

While I do not disagree with you in principle, I do believe you would do well to try out more meetings. Al-Anon recommends one try at least six different meetings before making conclusions about Al-Anon. Many of the meetings fit your description, but there are those out there which do not. You’d do well to get a schedule, too, and see if you prefer more focused meetings–like meetings specific to ACOAs. Also, I highly recommend Al-Anon conferences. They’re quite a bit more lively and fun, and oftentimes feature great speakers you may not ever get to hear in a nearby meeting. They do charge registration fees, but in my experience–it’s worth it. You get a chance to meet members who are more active in the program, and who perhaps are not stuck in a once weekly meeting only rut. And they may be the best resource for locating good regular meetings.

If nothing else, I do highly recommend the literature–it’s an easy way to see more of what Al-Anon is supposed to be about on your own, and it’s never a gripe session. Plus you can read it wherever you choose. Keep going back–it works if you work it.

By: Sari Botton

Sari Botton — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:02:11 +0000

Great piece, Leah! It totally resonates with me and my limited al-anon experiences.