by Amy Lee Coy
When everybody’s doin’ it, it doesn’t seem so strange. —-Black Light All Stars, “Dreams”
You know the scene… everyone is having a great time at the party until “Jenny” walks over and declines a drink because, she says, “I quit.”
“Oh…” we say. “That’s good. That’s great. Good for you.” And then we bee-line it anywhere so we can feel comfortable sipping our chardonnay again.
If a speedy escape feels rude or unresolved, then what should you do when you find yourself seated next to the only ex-drinker at the party? Should you reach for your wine discreetly, being careful not to show signs of pleasure as you swallow the tasty elixir? Should you decline that much anticipated glass of merlot for the sake of your new acquaintance? Should you pretend like everything is normal? Is everything normal?
As an ex-drinker who took her lust for liquor much too far, and as an author who writes about addiction, particularly in terms of reaching out to help people who are not helped by Alcoholics Anonymous, I understand and empathize with both sides of the coin: the drinker and the ex-drinker. In my non-drinking life today, I have found the most difficult thing about being at parties as an ex-drinker is not the lure of the olive-spiked vodka martinis or the sparkling, free-flowing champagne that passes me by–it’s being around drinkers who are so discomfited by my non-drinking status that I become the buzz-kill of the evening before I even have a chance to speak.
Because every ex-drinker is in a different stage in their “life after drinking,” it is difficult to offer a single solution to bridge the awkward gap between the drinker at the party and the anxiety provoking ex-drinker. However, having been in both positions, I can offer some general guidelines for what to do when faced with the dilemma.
#1. Relax! It is not true that every ex-drinker has unresolved issues with alcohol. Yes, some ex-drinkers are still sensitive to the sights and sounds of alcohol, but if merely watching you consume your chardonnay sets a person off on a five day bender, then they should not be attending parties where alcohol is served. It is not your responsibility to ensure an ex-drinker’s ongoing stability. However, it is your responsibility to be kind and considerate just as you would be with anyone else you meet at a party. Everyone appreciates warmth and kindness.
#2. Do not dote. Most people who quit drinking or using drugs do not share that information with the world until they are weeks or months into their sobriety. Even then, it should, ideally, be left up to the ex-drinker if and when they want to write, “I’m an ex-drinker” across their forehead. Today, five years after I’ve quit drinking, I still try not to reveal my ex-drinker status in social drinking situations simply because I know that information makes people uncomfortable. However, there are those times when a host or hostess is so intent on getting me a drink that I finally just have to say, “No, I quit drinking.” That usually does it. It also tends to add unsolicited sympathy, attention and doting–all of which serve to make me more uncomfortable, not less. So try to be as attentive (or inattentive) as you would be in the company of a drinker. Again, relax.
#3. You? There are legitimate reasons why drinkers often feel uncomfortable around ex-drinkers: anticipated or experienced feelings of being judged for enjoying their drink; fear that they might set the ex-drinker off on a bender at the mere sight of their drinking; fear that the ex-drinker is abstaining in order to be a watchdog of sorts, all too ready to bust them if they let too loose. I know the “born again” ex-drinker (and ex-smoker) type. But most ex-drinkers I know are not “born agains” and prefer not to discuss or harp on anyone’s drinking behavior. So if you find you are really weirding out while drinking in front of an ex-drinker, you might think about looking into your own issues.
#4. There is a limit. The truth is that not all ex-drinkers are bothered by the presence of alcohol. Even so, there is a limit to how much temptation an ex-drinker should have to take. Just as many ex-drinkers are fabulous hosts and hostesses, serving the finest wine and drink to their guests in spite of not sipping a drop themselves, it is always nice when a drinking person is conscious of an ex-drinker’s status and provides equally graceful consideration. I would not entice a dieter by wafting the delicious scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies under their nose. Gentleness and consideration are appreciated. But even more than that, I believe ordinary normalness is the behavior that is most desired, appropriate and appreciated by ex-drinkers. Our differences are only as large and important as we make them.
Amy Lee Coy is the author of From Death Do I Part: How I Freed Myself From Addiction, www.fromdeathdoipart.com. She is a writer, artist and musician living in Southern California.
I am a non-drinker who drank stupidly for forty-five years. I was also a serious drug user for twelve years and smoked marijuana for forty years. I have not done drugs for close to thirty years, no pot or booze for close to thirteen years. I agree with everything you’ve said. I was fortunate to have a very good friend ask me if I minded if she ordered wine with dinner during my first couple of months of sobriety. Having embraced sobriety, but not having faced that question yet, I only thought a second before understanding this would go forever if I didn’t learn immediately to handle it intelligently. I already knew what many never find out – I really didn’t want to drink again. Other people’s behavior had nothing to do with it, I was through. So I said, as casually as I could without being obviously casual, “No, not at all. Go ahead.” She had the good sense not to ask “Are you sure?”. When I am around people who are drinking I never say “I quit.”, I simply say that I don’t drink. Anyone rude enough to ask “Why not?” gets something like “I don’t want to,” and a look suggesting it’s an intrusive question. I don’t call myself an ex-junkie usually, nor do I go out of my way to call attention to my non-use. I’m interested in your experiences with AA. I did use it because I was required to by law, but after three years became discouraged, and only stayed with it to participate in prison outreach, which I’d been involved with since I got clean of drugs in 1971. Five years later I just severed my relationship. I support their efforts, but they have so many counter-productive practices I believe something has to be done to bring them into the twenty-first century. Anyway, glad to have found this site. (Just learning about hash-tags in Twitter!) By the way – anyone who may be interested there is an online group called AA Freethinkers which adheres loosely to AA principles with none of the religiosity many object to.
Thank you for this-very helpful. I have an aunt who is an ex drinker and I always feel uncomfortable having a glass of wine when she is around. I have felt that she would judge me. Perhaps there is an element of judging myself that I project onto her. By the way, HBO has a great new series called Boardwalk Empire about the prohibition era. That worked…just as the marijuana prohibition is working….NOT!
Chuck–so glad you found Drinking Diaries. And thanks for the heads up about the AA Freethinkers. We’d like to do a post on alternatives to AA, and plan to do that soon. Thanks for sharing your story.
This article caught my eye, because this has happened to me more times than I can count. When I refuse a drink, people automatically assume that I am in recovery. I chose to stop drinking because I had an addicted loved one, and drinking was a gateway for him to using harder drugs. I chose to stop drinking because I had a health issue that that was aggravated by even small amounts ( a sip) of alcohol. We can’t assume that we know everything about a person based on one small piece of information. I agree with the author…being normal, kind and respectful is always the appropriate thing to do.
“When I am around people who are drinking I never say ‘I quit.’ I simply say that I don’t drink.” Thanks, Chuck, for pointing out the difference between those two replies. That’s helpful. I’m interested in your AA/life experiences as well — your book looks great!
Claire, I heard about the HBO special just moments before I read your comment. I heard it is very good. I’m glad you found the post helpful. Thank you.
Jenni, what a lucky loved one you have! I’m sure your efforts are deeply appreciated. Your comment made me think that acceptance is another word for us to keep in mind at parties. When we are accepting of a person we are less interested in what they are drinking and more interested in what they are thinking.
I find people are too curious after the “I don’t drink line”. I’ll try to give them the best of motives here, they are probably just trying to engage I’m tired of the twenty questions and forced intimacy? I prefer to say ” It iritates my sinus condition” or “It interferes with my sinus medication” (both true) .Let me tell you nobody wants to elaborate on sinuses ! Plus it’s an ongoing long term condition/excuse. If you are middleaged you probably have some tiny ailment you can refer to
.The person I am socialsing with can then relax without feeling the need to discuss the elephant in the room. Thanks for the AA Freethinkers suggestion.
First of all, I love this blog! Secondly, this post is a good read for me to see in terms of how certain people believe other people should act. I believe that if people are uncomfortable with me not drinking or get all weird and act differently around me, that’s their issue, not mine. I almost never get uncomfortable when someone is obvious about how they feel about me not drinking, really for one reason: I don’t have to. It’s not that I don’t care, but I can’t control how another person acts or feels, that’s just crazy. When I read something like this, I laugh because it seems so helpful on the surface but when actually in the situation, there’s so much more going on and very little of this actually applies. A lot of points in this article are real, but there’s a whole gamut of experience I think the non-drinker goes through no matter what the situation, all these points aside. I don’t consider myself to be an “ex-drinker” or someone who “quit.” I just don’t drink, period. It doesn’t matter if I ever drank or if I drink the whole bar. I don’t drink now and that’s all that matters. If someone wants to confront me about my drinking or non-drinking, or be passive aggressive, or act weird, or be totally cool and normal, or whatever infinite number of reactions can happen, I deal with the situation on a “case by case” basis, as with anything else I bring to the table on a human level. Everyone’s different.
I quit drinking 3 years ago after a long battle with addiction. Thankfully, surprisingly, the burden of temptation went away within the first few months. However, I also find it uncomfortable to be at gatherings where people seem to be put off by the fact that I don’t want a drink. Everyone is different, but certain sensitivities are common among us after traumatic experiences, i.e., terrible addiction experiences.