For our holiday story series, we have invited some of our contributors to share a story, an episode, an experience that took place during the holiday season. We hope you will enjoy reading these stories as they appear each Monday.
By Tara T. Handron
I was talking with a friend of mine this morning at our semi-weekly coffee date. With certain circumstances happening in her life, she mentioned she didn’t exactly feel grateful, and with it being “Gratitude Month,” she really did not want to share this at recovery meetings. I said I didn’t think the point of “Gratitude Month” was to force us to lie or fake it. Honesty is still the best policy. That might be easy for me to say, especially right now, as I do feel grateful for so much that’s in my life.
This year, I spent Thanksgiving with a combination of friends, family and fellow runners. I participated in a Thanksgiving road race to put food in the bellies of those who don’t have an abundance of options and resources this holiday.
As I thought about the abundance in my life, I was reminded that when I was drinking, I was not able to participate in life this way. I didn’t have multiple invitations for dinner and even if I did, I would stay in one place because I loathed driving and loved drinking.
Alcohol was my date. Alcohol was all I thought about as my dad and uncles yelled at Notre Dame for some fumble or whatever it is they do in football that warrants grown men yelling at a one-way box of communication.
Alcohol and food were available from noon onward. My anxiety would rise because how I was I to manage myself, how was I to pace myself? The worst part of the day was figuring out when I could allow myself to start drinking because I knew once I started I wouldn’t want to stop, and yet I would have to stop and be careful. This was family, not some bar (although by the end of my drinking, I did start to treat family weddings as if they were college reunions…lovely).
And so would go my holiday–obsessed with what I could drink, wanting to drink so much more than I could, and eating more than I could metabolize in a week (yes, there have been some issues in that area, but that is another story for a another site).
Today, I show up to the functions with a real date, a nice date, one who can talk and interact with my family. My old boyfriend, alcohol, would cloud my vision, make me talk too loud, and just make me seem outright obnoxious.
I can participate genuinely in conversations with people. I can help set the table, make the salad, watch football with my father and ask him to explain to me for the millionth time what that call meant, and I can grab my nephew before he tries to escape and direct traffic outside the house again.
When alcohol was my date, he was all I thought about. He was all I wanted. I thought he was helping me to be funny and personable and connect with others better. Instead, he was making me bloated, inarticulate, and a semi-sedated neurotic.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make my famous ‘slice and bake’ chocolate chip cookies.
Happy “Gratitude Month.” Go forth and be grateful, for something, anything!
Tara T. Handron is an actor, writer, and communications/change management consultant in Washington, DC. She is the founder of What’s a Girl to Do Productions. She wrote, produced and has performed in her one-woman show, Drunk with Hope in Chicago, about 20+ women and their experiences with alcoholism and recovery. You can read our interview with Tara here.
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Thank you for your terrific essay. I can identify. And I, too, feel grateful today.
Thank you!