Each week, we post short interviews with interesting people about their thoughts and feelings on women and drinking. There is such a wide array of perspectives about this topic, and we are excited to gain insight into as many as possible and to share them with you.
Lena Roy is the author of the young adult novel, Edges (Farrar, Straus, Giroux, December 2010) a story of love and grief, addiction and redemption, set in both NYC’s Upper West Side and in the red rock desert of Moab. She is also the program manager for WRITOPIA Westchester, where she leads writing workshops for kids, tweens and teens. Lena lives in Katonah, New York. For you kidlit fans out there, she’s the granddaughter of the great Madeleine L’Engle! Find Lena on her blog or on twitter.
Drinking Diaries: How old were you when you had your first drink and what was it?
Lena Roy: My first drink was when I was five and I hated it. It was my grandfather’s scotch on the rocks. Yuk.
My first drunk was when I was 13 years old in 8th grade and I LOVED it. Like so many, I was an intense and awkward kid. Alcohol was like magic in that it took the things I thought I didn’t like about myself away.
My parents were having a huge party for my dad’s students and colleagues (he was an Episcopalian priest – I grew up in a seminary.) A student named Buck was bartending, and he kept making me vodka drinks. I loved the way it made me feel–fuzzy, funny, and like nothing mattered any more. I obviously made an ass out of myself because my younger sister kicked me up the stairs to my room where I passed out, only to wake up feeling sick later, and not being able to sleep the rest of the night. I felt mortified and ashamed, and I swore that I would never drink again.
And I didn’t, until two weeks later . . . it was Easter Eve, and in our family we would go to church and then to a big party afterward. Buck was bartending there too, and I got vodka drinks and sangria from him. When he cut me off, I went around and stole people’s drinks while they were dancing or standing around laughing. Again, I embarrassed my sister, who insisted we go home. I peed on myself and fell down the stairs, twisting my ankle, but I walked all the way home, laughing. No sleep, horrible hangover, and it turned out that I had broken my ankle, preventing me from going on the 8th grade camping trip to Nature’s Classroom in Ivoryton, CT, which was going to be the highlight of the year.
I was so remorseful, and so embarrassed that I did an extra credit book report on Pride and Prejudice and wrote my first short story about addiction and it’s pitfalls. I swore that I would never drink again. And thus the cycle began . . .
How did/does your family treat drinking?
Alcohol was always around. My parents aren’t alcoholics, but they drank wine every night and they had a stocked liquor cabinet. My dad is British, so it was all very “European.”
Both my parents and grandparents had lots of parties – filled with an amazing mix of artists and clergy. Liquor flowed generously, and there was always some kind of performance – a reading, or piano playing and singing. People were having fun! When I was little I felt very special talking to all the “happy” adults and staying up late. It was fascinating to watch these serious clergy people lighten up and show a different side. God, if only I could lighten up!
When I started drinking myself, I always got drunk fast and the adults said I was a lightweight, and possibly allergic to alcohol.
It was just part of normal life, and it looked very sophisticated. I never saw people get really drunk, until it started becoming a problem for my favorite uncle. He got meaner and meaner and became more and more of a recluse.
When I got clean and sober, everybody at first thought I was being dramatic and pathologizing myself. They didn’t know the depths of my pain. I had been sober for six years already when my uncle ended up in the hospital with liver damage, dying from cirrhosis of the liver weeks later.
How do you approach alcohol in your every day life?
With healthy respect! I am not around it that much, but when I am and I’m offered a drink, I always say, “not tonight,” or something like that. Although I am very open with friends about my alcoholism, I really don’t want people to feel uncomfortable drinking around me. Just because I choose not to drink, doesn’t mean that others should make the same choice. And really – after all of these years – I’m not looking at how much people drink! I’m interested in so many other things.
When I’m with family or friends who are drinking and know my deal, sometimes I have to remind them to put their drinks on the other side of the table, just so that the smell of alcohol doesn’t waft over me.
If you have kids, how is the subject of drinking handled?
My husband is a regular guy who chooses not to drink at all. He never had an alcohol problem. We don’t have alcohol in the house, but we have friends and family who drink. My kids know that I consider myself an alcoholic, therefore I choose not to drink. I want them to know that everyone has a personal choice, with everything. I like my kids to be exposed to all different ways of the world. Not everybody who drinks is or will become an alcoholic. But I also want them to know that it might be something to look out for because of the genetic predisposition.
Have you ever had a phase in your life when you drank more or less?
I drank from the age of 13 to 25, for 12 years. I have been sober for longer than I drank (17 years). I drank the heaviest from 22 – 25, between college and graduate school. At that point I knew that I was self-medicating. I was in a cycle of abusive relationships – not only with men, but with female friends too. I felt worthless, unlovable. And yes, I was in therapy, but it was drinking that was saving my life – it was giving me the spirit that I had lost somewhere – giving me a reason to live.
But then it stopped working, and I wanted to die. I made a deal with myself that I would commit suicide if I didn’t get into graduate school . . . to become a drama therapist! (Ah, the irony.) Fortunately, I did, and through Drama Therapy I was able to look at myself in a way that I wasn’t able to with talk therapy. And my BFF – who was super high functioning work-wise, but a hot mess when it came to drugs and alcohol – got sober.
Quitting drinking allowed me to really start working on myself, to find community, to build a life. I had arrested my emotional development when I started drinking at thirteen, and it was time to grow up.
What’s your drink of choice? Why?
Now? My drink of choice in the morning is coffee because I both crave and love the ritual of it. Afternoon and evening is seltzer with some rockin’ lemon or lime in it. Sometimes I go nuts and mix in some cranberry juice. I LOVES me some bubbles!
In my drinking days? Honest answer is everything, but I fancied myself a wine connoisseur because that’s what my family drank, especially red wine.
Can you tell us about the best time you ever had drinking?
The best times were when I was singing in nightclubs. (And then there was the blind date with Jon Bon Jovi, which I have written about on my own blog – the PG version.) Alcohol gave me courage that I thought I didn’t have. I would sit in with jazz or swing bands after several brandies and I loved being a part of the music scene. I felt like somebody else. In fact, I was somebody else. I would turn into my alter ego–a sexy seductress, life of the party, creative genius.
What about the worst time?
There are so many. Toward the end I never knew what would happen when I drank – and that was pretty scary. I ended up in some very compromising positions about which I’m not ready to go public. Once my own children are old enough to hear it from me, I would love to speak more specifically. But suffice it to say that my actions didn’t match my values, causing me intense pain. I was also constantly victimized by life, and I didn’t know that I could be free from that.
Has culture or religion influenced your drinking?
Oh yes! I thought that everybody drank. And that it was par for the course for artists, actors and writers. My Gran always said that I had the soul of an artist, which explained my moodiness. I wrote, I acted, I sang. I loved Hemingway, Thomas, Parker, Sartre, Dali and Bunuel. I was obsessed with the antics and glamour of movie stars from the 1940’s and 1950’s. Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Tallulah Bankhead were all addicts. Vivian Leigh was bi-polar. The list is endless.
Do you have a favorite book, song, or movie about drinking?
Scotch and Soda sung by the Kingston Trio, You Go to My Head sung by Judy Garland. In my early 20’s, pre-sobriety, I created a play-list of songs I would sing about love and alcohol. I really loved alcohol.
What did you like most about drinking?
I loved that it totally quelled my social anxiety. I still have social anxiety, but I have tricks I use to deal with it. Like if I’m in a room full of people I don’t know, I make myself walk up to people and introduce myself. It really helps.
Why do, or don’t you, choose to drink?
I choose not to drink because it makes me physically, mentally and spiritually sick.
How has alcoholism affected your life?
I think I’ve answered that question! But I want to address why it’s important for me to call myself an alcoholic: it is to remind myself of what happens when I drink, it is to remind myself that because I deal with it, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams.
Some people find it disturbing that I label myself an alcoholic. “But you’re so much more than that,” they say. Indeed I am, but alcoholism is a physical, spiritual and mental disease. Cancer is a disease that you can die from too, but people don’t seem to have trouble with those who call themselves “survivors.” I am a survivor of alcoholism, and I am lucky enough that my disease is one that is in remission.
I have to take responsibility for my alcoholism. I can’t change the past, though I can learn and grow from it. Recovery has given me life and true spirit.
